Coping Up With Life

Through my miserable years of searching for answers why my life isn't as blooming as the others, or how come other people live a better life than me even though I know I am much better than they are, I found several ways to keep myself sane and my miserable life in order. Yeah I know, some of you might be wondering, "what the heck is she talking about miserable?!" Well it's a long story, I'll tell you next time, if I have the time.

As I spent my life through high school and college, I've always thought that having a partner can make life less complicated for me. I grew up believing that having a partner means having someone to share my miseries with, someone who'd understand and care even though it's my own fault.

My mom always says, having someone older than you as a partner is way better than having someone at the same age as you are, or worse, younger than you are. As a little girl way back in high school, I deeply believed in this, until the heart aches started to appear...

I started falling for guys older than me, the first guy was seven years older than me. The others were older than me by one, two, nine and ten years. By the way, I did not fall for all of them! Just a few :P

As I grew up, I realized what my mom said isn't true. I sure did learn that the hard way! All alone, standing up, falling, crawling in pain, and then standing up once more just to fall back again sure was agonizing. I had no one to turn to. You might be wondering why I never told my mom about these, it's because all she ever did was make things worse for me. She yells, telling me that I deserve it, that I the pain I felt isn't enough, that I needed more pain, that I'd never learn, and so on... Yes, you kinda figured it out! I wasn't the special apple among my siblings. I was the rotten one. I learned almost everything the hard way.

Through the ups and downs of my life. I decided to dedicate my whole life to someone who's willing to sacrifice, willing to take responsibilities, and willing to push his limits a little bit further to make life easier and comfortable for me. Unfortunately, I never found that guy... For the past 25 years of my life, I never felt this heavy depression of being alone and betrayed.

I finished high school, unlike those ungrateful bastards who left their parents and came home one day with belly as big as a watermelon! I finished college, unlike those who dosed their bodies with every kind of heroine, marijuana, and other kinds of illegal drugs, and yet got a second shot a life, a peaceful and happy life. From time to time, I even got noted by my professors as being one of the top achievers, a great student, someone who'll be having a successful career one day, and yet I am all alone. Left with broken dreams and a dismantled heart filled with hatred. Why so? I don't know.

There was even a period of time in my life were I became a teacher for our church, I taught little kids about the Bible and how God loves them. Heck! I was the last person in our household who continued to attend church! But not anymore. How could a person as sinful as I am go to church every Sunday? My mom lectured me well on that...

And so, here I am! Still smiling, still having fun with my friends, and enjoying every moment that I live. Not a care in the world! No matter how hard it is, I know I must continue for my own sake. Life goes on, no matter what.

But still. Left with broken dreams and a dismantled heart filled with hatred...